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Losing Hope

It's time to cry again. Why? Because I talked to my coworker about babies. His wife has epilepsy, and is on the same medication that I'm on for my bipolar disorder. And what did I find out today? They are waiting until she is weaned off this medication before they start TTC, because carbamazipine almost completely inhibits the body's ability to process folic acid. And pretty much everbody knows that folic acid during pregnancy is UBER important. If the baby doesn't get enough, they are at increased risk for spinal and mental birth defects. I already knew that I was going to have to go off my depression meds, but my bipolar meds keep me from going psycho. Hubs told me he never forgets to give me my pills because he remembers what I nightmare bitch I was before I was on them. Why do I have to deal with these problems? I'd like to go back in time, meet the person I was in a former life, and beat the living crap out of him/her, make them straighten up their lives so I don't have to deal with all this anymore. Wouldn't it be great if life was that easy? I'm deathly afraid of turning out like my mom - most days she can't get out of bed, even when she really wants to do something. I know that's the road I'm headed down.

So my point is for the safety of my unborn child, I'd have to stop taking my meds. At which point instead of just being a hormonal pregnant woman, I'd be a psychotic, potentially extremely depressed, hormonal woman. Fuck. I just wanted to be a mom. I'm getting to the point where I don't want that anymore. I don't want to subject a child to a life with a crazy mother, let alone subject them to all the potential birth defects and possible health conditions later in life - like all the shit I'm dealing with now. So I can adopt and just subject the child to a crazy mother, or live child-free. I don't think Hubs would stay with me if I decided that I didn't want kids anymore.

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