As the time to leave for the funeral is approaching, I felt the need to get some things off my chest. (I know that it's not nice to speak ill of the deceased, so I'm going to be as nice as possible with this.)
Friday, just after hubby dropped me off at work, he called me. I was busy with customers, so I didn't answer. When I had the chance to listen to his voicemail, I knew something was WRONG. Like WAY WRONG. And damnit if I wasn't right. Hubs' grandfather suffered a massive heart attack and passed away. And I couldn't be at home to comfort hubby like he needed. I know that things like this happen, but I'm still sad that I wasn't available when he needed me.
I guess, due to the tensions in the family, it hasn't really hit me that Don is gone. I don't believe we were on the best of terms. The first time we met, he berated me for dating someone without a job. Actually, he words were something to the effect of "You are an idiot for dating him." I understood his position, and I let it slide. I love my hubby, even if we were living in a cardboard box. The last conversation hubby had with him didn't go well, either. He said "I have better things to do than talk to you." I don't understand how you could say that to your own grandson, but I couldn't change it.
The last time we saw Don was at our wedding, almost 3 years ago. I have one picture of them. Although my list of must have pics included one of us with his grandparents, it never was taken. I'm frustrated with myself for letting that happen. I'm mad that Don won't be around when we renew our vows and have a good photographer.
I'm sad that I didn't get to know Don like I should have. Because of the tension in the family, I stayed in the shadows, and let my husband make decisions. That's what I was supposed to do, right? He didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at his grandparent's house, so I didn't force him. And I can tell that he's regretting that now.
Life isn't fair - we see that on a daily basis. Life is disappointing. And that's what I'll be thinking about during the funeral. I've got a laundry list of shoulda woulda couldas in my head, and they aren't going away. We should have gone to visit. We could've set aside our differences and joined the family for Thanksgiving. I could have sent pictures when I said I would. We should have called and talked. But now, Don is gone, and that chance is over. So I can only hope that this was a blessing in disguise and it brings the family back together, for more than just a funeral.
Sometimes that's how it goes- a death brings people together. But remember that Don made HIS choice in how he treated you and his grandson, and nothing you or your hubs could do would change that. It's Don's loss that he didn't get to forge a connection, and it's on him, not you or your hubby, to carry that regret.
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